Cannon Fodder

Is There a Book or Something?

The church I drive by at least three times a week offers a new piece of wisdom on its marque every week, and churches all over seem to offer similar pronouncements. You've no doubt seen them, even if you don't admit to thinking of them. My favorite:

What is missing from ch ch? ur

Gets me every time. Makes me think that those who go to church have a closer connection to Johnny Carson than the rest of us.

Funnier is how you never see the same one on two marques in your community at the same time. How does that happen? Do church administrators or marque volunteers (that's an elementary school A/V technician or milk monitor who has grown up, earned a college degree, but still lacks satisfaction in life) have a rotation of pithy statements? Talk about a successful inter-faith effort.

I also wonder if there is a book filled with these statements that pastors and the others pull from each week? Do you have to follow the rotation? Or can you just open to page and use what you find?

Where do you get that book? Is it in the religion section at Amazon.com or the spirituality section at Barnes & Noble or Borders? The Book of Church Marque Sayings: 52 Ways to Increase Your Flock or Signs from God: 52 Road Pleasers. Did the author do book signings? Who attends? Does he or she tithe his 10 percent of royalties? Is Chicken Soup for the Marque Changer's Soul in the offing?

I have never been more inclined to attend a church because of the marques I see. But if all the laws of logic apply, someone must think that they do actually work. The logic goes that no one would continue the practice if it failed. Right? The same theory applies to e-mail spam: Someone, actually at least 1 percent of someones, are opening those annoying e-mail messages promoting anatomical improvements, pleasure aids, and get-rich-qick schemes.

E-mail spammers could learn from the church sign creators. I might open an e-mail saying on the of these:

Unwrap the most special gift this Christmas.
God is always there for you. Can't you afford an hour a week to visit with him?

Would you?